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The Internets
"O RLY?" :::—Glenn Beck ::"YA RLY!" :::—Nancy Grace ::"NO WAI!!!!11" :::—Glenn Beck The Internets, which can also be called internet or teh intarnet, is a series of tubes which run underground transferring data, crude oil, pornography, and Electronic-Mail across the United States, and Canadia. But not Europe. There are presently no Internets in Europe; however, Bill Clinton did loan Jacques Chirac the use of a series of Internettes in the late 1990s. Stephen is a fan of the Internets, because the Internets are a fan of him. Origins The Internets was invented in the early 1980s by then Senator Al Gore. It is a series of tubes that runs under the floorboards of your house. Go ahead and rip them up. We'll wait here. ... Gore's purpose for creating the Internets was to spread the word of godless communists, liberals and bears. It is also suspected that it created Global warming, which doesn't exist. In the late 1990s, Gore performed a vasectomy on the Internets to keep anyone from making more of them, so that he could reap all the riches and use it to breed owls. When Al Gore first created the Internets, he tried to keep it secret, but hero Bill Gates added some software to connect the Internets Tube into every American computer. You can access this software by changing your screen saver to "3D Pipes". How It Works According to Senator Ted Stevens, the Internets is a vastly complex collection of bleeding-edge technologies which are seamlessly interwoven through the magic of American ingenuity. In each Internets-enabled computer lives a tiny patriotic elf. When you invoke the Internets the elf writes everything down on a piece of paper, prints it and attaches it to the mouse. The mouses mices mice are trained to send messages across the tubes. They follow bits of cheese, carrying the paper printouts on their backs, until they get to the final destination. Some particularly difficult mouse journeys are known as hard drives. The NSA works every day to ensure the Internets is operating according to plan. They are the ones who clean the pipes, make sure the mice get fed, and keep the elves in order. Elves that disobey orders are deemed terrorists and are sent to Gitmo. Nature of The Internets ::"The Internets (sic) is not something that you just you dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's, it's a series of tubes!" :::—Ted Stevens And if you don't understand, those tubes can be filled! And if they're filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line, and it's going to be delayed by anyone who puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material. Massive, massive tubes. Tangled up tubes. Concerns About the Internets The Internets can get clogged up from time to time, especially if too many pieces of large media, such as movies and Chuck Norris "jokes", are put in at once. This can lead to you not receiving any Internets that, perhaps, your staff had sent you, or more importantly, your videos of Our Glorious Stephen and/or offers for free debt relief (which can be really handy, you never know). The only way to clear a clog is to use lottery balls and or Draino to flush it out. It should also be noted that horses can also easily move through the tubes, as they have legs and therefore can run through. What The Internets is not *The Internets is NOT a dump truck. With a few notable exceptions, you cannot masturbate to dump trucks; therefore, they are not The Internets. *The Internets is NOT an old man with a glass eye. Although some old men with glass eyes may use The Internets and masturbate to it. *The Internets is NOT a hobo. *The Internets is NOT a Communist. *The Internets is NOT a man-hating lesbian. *The Internets is NOT a place where the obese should be, because they clog up the tubes and slow down all The Internets. So therefore, Michael Moore, take your hands off the keyboard!!! *The Internets IS, however, a series of tubes. The Three Useful Tubes on The Internets (Plus 3) While the The Internets is extremely large, it contains only three useful websites, plus three: * KittenWars.com * ColbertNation.com * The Port Authorities Website the Plus 3... * The Google * Wikiality * Stephen, Jr. Tracker Important Ways People Use The Internets ]] * webpages containing information * Sending Internets to other people * Shopping on ColbertNation.com * She-mail * Instant Messages * Distributing porn * Spreading Truthiness * Tracking Stephen Jr. * Allegedly sending dirty messages to studs while working on Capitol Hill. * blogging Other Worthy Tubes From Other Tubes of The Internets * Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure * Colbert Nation, rock on you crazy kids. * Colbinista HQ, for all official Colbinistas. * Send Senator Stevens an Internet. External LInk * For information about "the internet" (lowercase "i") that Al Gore invented, please click here. * Installation of the Internets